Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will experience a magical adventure in a world of beauty and wonder when your local Fox affiliate proudly presents the Robin Williams film Jumanji.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You can't afford to turn your back on that collapsing romance or office building.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Please stop telling that tasteless joke about Linda McCartney. It wasn't funny the first time.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will become a national celebrity this week when the government decides that you are the common enemy against whom the American people will unite.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars say you will go through some tough times later this week. What they're not telling you, however, is just how tough, which is the really good part.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Next week sees the exciting return of Andrew, which is pretty darn exciting if you know him.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sagittarius may be the archer, but if it could be any car, it'd be a Corvette.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You know that wonderful, loving person who has been waiting so long to be let into your heart? Well, that sap isn't about to go away any time soon.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Hold out for what you want this week, but be reasonable: If you get most of what you asked for, let the kids and the old folks go free.
