Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will experience a magical adventure in a world of beauty and wonder when your local Fox affiliate proudly presents the Robin Williams film Jumanji.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You can't afford to turn your back on that collapsing romance or office building.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Please stop telling that tasteless joke about Linda McCartney. It wasn't funny the first time.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Try not to take yourself too seriously this week. God knows nobody else does.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will become a national celebrity this week when the government decides that you are the common enemy against whom the American people will unite.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars say you will go through some tough times later this week. What they're not telling you, however, is just how tough, which is the really good part.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Next week sees the exciting return of Andrew, which is pretty darn exciting if you know him.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sagittarius may be the archer, but if it could be any car, it'd be a Corvette.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You know that wonderful, loving person who has been waiting so long to be let into your heart? Well, that sap isn't about to go away any time soon.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hold out for what you want this week, but be reasonable: If you get most of what you asked for, let the kids and the old folks go free.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Remember: "Look before you leap" doesn't apply to situations like yours, in which the goal is dramatic suicide.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.