Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars have somehow managed to predict love for Taurus without moving, blinking or spelling out anything.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Gemini is now taking applications for part-time waitstaff positions. Must enjoy working with others in a fun and challenging environment. Apply in person.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your cool demeanor sometimes leaves others wondering what you're really feeling. Consider using "emoticons."
Leo July 23 - August 22
Last week was a wreck, but don't fret: Someone will come along to cut you out before the flames reach the gas tank.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Air and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week. If conditions are favorable, it could very well rain.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will cross many sociopolitical boundaries when your school bake sale yields enough money to buy a B-1B medium-range bomber.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You realize your lover doesn't know just how beautiful he really is on the inside. Get a scissors and show him.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Trouble looms at work when the other pimps suspect you're trying to muscle in on their whores. Use hand puppets to communicate your feelings about it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're in for a breakthrough when you realize that the "voices in your head" are actually coming from that curved piece of plastic with the number buttons and the cord.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will become one with the Universe next week, incurring the wrath of all the Universe's old boyfriends.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.