Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars have somehow managed to predict love for Taurus without moving, blinking or spelling out anything.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Gemini is now taking applications for part-time waitstaff positions. Must enjoy working with others in a fun and challenging environment. Apply in person.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your cool demeanor sometimes leaves others wondering what you're really feeling. Consider using "emoticons."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Last week was a wreck, but don't fret: Someone will come along to cut you out before the flames reach the gas tank.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Air and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week. If conditions are favorable, it could very well rain.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will cross many sociopolitical boundaries when your school bake sale yields enough money to buy a B-1B medium-range bomber.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You realize your lover doesn't know just how beautiful he really is on the inside. Get a scissors and show him.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Trouble looms at work when the other pimps suspect you're trying to muscle in on their whores. Use hand puppets to communicate your feelings about it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're in for a breakthrough when you realize that the "voices in your head" are actually coming from that curved piece of plastic with the number buttons and the cord.
