Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
