Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.