Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
