Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
