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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

June 16, 1999 | Issue 35•23

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.

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