Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
