Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television schedule.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You must learn to control your natural urges. What you feel may be hard to hold back, but there are special rooms for that sort of thing.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars predict that everything will be pretty lousy for you this week. Not that they’re paying any special attention, really, but it seems to be the way to bet.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will waste another nine hours having phone sex this week, but since your particular phone sex doesn't require calling anyone, at least you won’t waste any money.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Due to a misunderstanding on your part, you have not actually been an anthropologist for the past three years. You are actually an anthropophagist.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Virgo is surprised you still care what she has to say, after all the time you’ve been spending with that slut the Tarot.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
If financial woes continue to affect your mood, try doing some shopping. That always cheers you up.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will receive a drunken late-night call from Tom Wopat, who was going through some old fan mail and decided to accept your 1978 marriage proposal.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your visit to the U.S. Senate becomes awkward when you are unable to stop giggling at the term "body politic."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Christ will appear to you in a dream this week. A dream, do you hear? It was a dream! It didn’t really happen! Now get ahold of yourself.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius would like to remind you that this is our annual community-outreach week, so smile, be polite, and remember to Make Yourself Aquari-Useful!
