Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.