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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

September 1, 1999 | Issue 35•31

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.

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