Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
