Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
