Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
Libra September 23 - October 23
After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.