Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Trouble looms in your life when others try to take charge of your situation. If they persist, start shooting hostages.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The dark, romantic stranger in your life turns out to be Barry White, causing discomfort for everyone involved.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
God has come to you in the form of a little lost lamb and welcomed you with His warm, loving embrace. At least, that's what you should tell the animal-control officer.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Leo warns you that if you don’t stop telling him you loved him in Titanic, you'll be looking for a new zodiac sign.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Fame and fortune are yours this week in an alternate dimension where enormous geekazoids are rich and famous.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will spend six hours in a small room with someone who wants to share his vast knowledge of presidential trivia.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Scorpio regrets to announce that it has given up the zodiac to become a designer fragrance. If you liked CK1, you’ll love ScorpioTM!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will become renowned throughout the land for your wisdom. (Note: The stars reserve the right to determine what constitutes "the land.")
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Avoid naked men wielding bloody axes this week, which, believe us, isn't going to be as easy as it sounds.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There is turmoil in your earth sign this week when you declare war against tough stains and ground-in dirt.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Certain minor conflicts in your life will be resolved, but not without the services of Andrew, the office technical whiz.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.