Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
1101110010000001111001
0110111101110010010111
0111000010101000100110.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.
