Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
