Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
