Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
