Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
Libra September 23 - October 23
This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.