Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
