Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.