Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
