Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is from a local bank and numbered above 1000.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You should quit telling people that God is your co-pilot. You know damn well He just works the radio set.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be unable to shake the feeling that Latin pop is the next big thing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The sun in your sign indicates that you shouldn’t go outside and look directly at your sign until a few hours have passed.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Fortune is yours this week: You’ve been pre-approved for the exciting new Virgo Platinum Card with Double Cashback Bonus!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A brief period of confusion over the words "horizontal" and "vertical" will screw up your TV picture for hours.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be given a new reason to believe in ancient astronauts when you see Buzz Aldrin on the news. He looks about 102, for chrissakes.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your ability to discern among monkeys, apes, chimps and mandrills will come in handy when you tell the zookeeper exactly what happened.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Friday will find you lost and alone in a world you never made. Try to ignore the feeling until you can get back to the office on Monday.
