Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
