Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will undergo an identity crisis when God claims that your name "just doesn’t sound right" and changes it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will suddenly find yourself in mid-November with a sign reading, "Six Months Later..." floating over your head.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will soon receive a big fat cashier’s check. Of course, this happens every two weeks, as you are a big fat cashier.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You always thought choosing the right robot would be an easy task... until the task fell to you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A drunken run-in with an angry northwoods lumberjack ends in your being mortally wounded by his scathing put-downs and acid wit.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Wednesday.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so damn funny about the name Uranus.
