Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will undergo an identity crisis when God claims that your name "just doesn’t sound right" and changes it.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will suddenly find yourself in mid-November with a sign reading, "Six Months Later..." floating over your head.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will soon receive a big fat cashier’s check. Of course, this happens every two weeks, as you are a big fat cashier.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You always thought choosing the right robot would be an easy task... until the task fell to you.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A drunken run-in with an angry northwoods lumberjack ends in your being mortally wounded by his scathing put-downs and acid wit.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Wednesday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so damn funny about the name Uranus.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars thank you for your submission, but, regrettably, they have no need for your "Pisces Is Nisces!" slogan at this time.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.