Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
