Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will soon reach the pinnacle of your prestigious and lucrative "putting things on shelves" profession.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.