At the AV Club: Glengarry Glen Ross

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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

September 17, 2003 | Issue 39•36

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.

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