Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.