Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
