Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
