Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
