Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
