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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

November 3, 2009

Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.

October 27, 2009

Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.

October 20, 2009

Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.

October 13, 2009

Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

October 6, 2009

Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.

September 22, 2009

Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.

September 15, 2009

Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.

September 8, 2009

Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.

September 1, 2009

Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.

See All Horoscopes

April 14, 1999 | Issue 35•14

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.

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