Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
