Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.