Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
