Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
Leo July 23 - August 22
While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You can understand why the guy would be proud, but all the same, you're glad that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.