Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
