Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
