Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will bring joy and laughter to an entire nation with what you thought was a tragic life story.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Take heart: Though nothing can ever bring back your dead loved ones, there are things that can get rid of your living hated ones.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will fall in love with a kindly Taurus just days before dying of a deadly Cancer.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for big laughs at their god parties.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will awaken from a deep, healing sleep to find yourself terribly hung over and covered in windshield glass.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that today is a good day to die. This is fortunate, considering what they have to say about tonight.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens thanks to your standout performance in Scared Straight II.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
We're sorry, but despite claims to the contrary, this is not the dawning of the Age Of You.
