Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone other than yourself.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Long airplane, car or boat trips may signal travel for adventurous Cancer this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This would be a bad time to discontinue your practice of firing several warning shots through every closed door you encounter.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This is your time: Stop even pretending to be the selfless, giving person everyone knows you’re not.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Fortune passes everywhere this week. However, it passes you so quickly that you may be badly hurt.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It would be best if you didn't leave the house this week. Candice Bergen is still out there, and she has a long, long memory.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars have seen you gazing up at them, and they now answer your unspoken question: Yes, they are real.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Contrary to the predictions of several experts, you will actually find it rather simple to breed in captivity.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Take time out to consider your own mortality this week, but be sure to do it before your Friday-morning train ride.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.