Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone other than yourself.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Long airplane, car or boat trips may signal travel for adventurous Cancer this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This would be a bad time to discontinue your practice of firing several warning shots through every closed door you encounter.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
This is your time: Stop even pretending to be the selfless, giving person everyone knows you’re not.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Fortune passes everywhere this week. However, it passes you so quickly that you may be badly hurt.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It would be best if you didn't leave the house this week. Candice Bergen is still out there, and she has a long, long memory.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars have seen you gazing up at them, and they now answer your unspoken question: Yes, they are real.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Contrary to the predictions of several experts, you will actually find it rather simple to breed in captivity.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Take time out to consider your own mortality this week, but be sure to do it before your Friday-morning train ride.
