Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
