Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
