Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.