Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You can't for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn't give a good god damn what happens to you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog's ass.
Libra September 23 - October 23
For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday's pizza and sack out on the couch.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though you've prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Stop leading our nation's children down a moral sewer. Instead, use candy and ropes to lead them down real sewers.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.