Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You can't for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn't give a good god damn what happens to you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog's ass.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday's pizza and sack out on the couch.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though you've prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Stop leading our nation's children down a moral sewer. Instead, use candy and ropes to lead them down real sewers.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
