Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
