Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your practice of enjoying life is morally wrong. From now on, work harder and deny yourself even the smallest bit of happiness so you can enjoy yourself after you die.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Gemini predictions have been discontinued due to the death of the last Gemini in captivity this past Monday.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will need to win over your co-workers to your point of view this week. This is no great surprise, however, as you are U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN).
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though you do so with the best of intentions, calling your depressed friend a "big, fat, ugly asshole" will utterly fail to cheer her up.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your pastor's assertion that everything you want or need may be found in the Bible is proven true when you find $20 and three packets of heroin in your mother’s New Testament.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being a Sagittarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your years of strong belief in astrology and the paranormal will finally pay off for the nation's phone psychics.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A little-known item about skunk anatomy will leave you smelling awful but smiling from ear to ear this week.
