Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your practice of enjoying life is morally wrong. From now on, work harder and deny yourself even the smallest bit of happiness so you can enjoy yourself after you die.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Gemini predictions have been discontinued due to the death of the last Gemini in captivity this past Monday.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will need to win over your co-workers to your point of view this week. This is no great surprise, however, as you are U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN).
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though you do so with the best of intentions, calling your depressed friend a "big, fat, ugly asshole" will utterly fail to cheer her up.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your pastor's assertion that everything you want or need may be found in the Bible is proven true when you find $20 and three packets of heroin in your mother’s New Testament.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being a Sagittarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your years of strong belief in astrology and the paranormal will finally pay off for the nation's phone psychics.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A little-known item about skunk anatomy will leave you smelling awful but smiling from ear to ear this week.
