Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill all the salt shakers with arsenic.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of pique, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
To your chagrin, you will learn that, despite your large staff of assistants, cellular phone, car fax, and tailored navy-blue Armani suits, you are not yet a complete asshole.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will receive a politely worded form letter from the AARP asking you to help make the world nice and quiet.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though the next few weeks will be a living hell, you will summon the strength to go on the same way you always have: by inflicting endless pain and humiliation upon your family and friends.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
If you seize opportunity and play your cards right this week, you will probably still stay in the same dead-end job.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will feel strange and awkward this week when you realize that the little voice in your head is actually just James Earl Jones standing behind you whispering lewd suggestions.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Three nutty friends, three snowboards, a broken-down old van, and a suitcase full of money combine for some wacky hijinks tonight on Sag!
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A routine speeding ticket turns into a party when you are arrested by America's horniest cops.
