Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Creative management of your finances will result in an unexpected windfall of several hundred dollars. Use it to buy the biggest handgun you can find—you'll need it.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack of woodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your neighborhood will be rocked by a bizarre rash of ultra-sexy seductions. Authorities will not for one moment consider questioning you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will earn the friendship and envy of all who share your star sign when you unveil your flamed-out, low-riding "Leo Hoopty."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Use of your wits, common sense, and God-given intelligence proves woefully inadequate in your attempt to solve even the most minor problems you encounter this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you've made numerous major advances in the field of stomach-cancer research, and have donated money to build libraries in your hometown, you are still universally hated for your three guest appearances on Northern Exposure.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Travel and air magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. You will experience a near-weightless, flight-like state during a trip to the Empire State Building.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
ou will become the talk of your community following your visually stunning appearance on America's Bloodiest Home Videos.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A long-running dispute will finally end this week if you have the courage to cut your husband's brake lines.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Now that Valentine's Day is over, you will need to use sheer animal cunning to con affection out of your spouse.
