Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
