Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.
