Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
Past Horoscopes
March 16, 2010
Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
March 9, 2010
Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
March 2, 2010
Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
February 16, 2010
Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
February 9, 2010
Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
February 2, 2010
Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
January 26, 2010
Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
January 19, 2010
Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
January 12, 2010
Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.
Your Horoscope
