Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Begin your life-long quest for truth this week by fighting against this century's greatest lie: the myth of lactose intolerance.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
This is an important time of spiritual growth for you. Banish all symbols from your life except for the Real Dairy seal.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Nothing dresses up that slimming diet meal like a peach slice on a snow-white bed of cottage cheese.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Just as there are four points on the compass and four chambers in the human heart, there are four food groups—and dairy is the only one you can drink.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Be sure to wash down all desserts, from cookies to cake, with an ice-cold glass of milk.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will soon take an exciting trip around the world and drink the milk of many an exotic creature.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Ease the horrible repetition of your dead-end delivery job by thinking about delicious dairy products.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's no coincidence that they call it "the milk of human kindness."
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.