Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Horoscope
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Begin your life-long quest for truth this week by fighting against this century's greatest lie: the myth of lactose intolerance.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This is an important time of spiritual growth for you. Banish all symbols from your life except for the Real Dairy seal.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Nothing dresses up that slimming diet meal like a peach slice on a snow-white bed of cottage cheese.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Just as there are four points on the compass and four chambers in the human heart, there are four food groups—and dairy is the only one you can drink.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Be sure to wash down all desserts, from cookies to cake, with an ice-cold glass of milk.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon take an exciting trip around the world and drink the milk of many an exotic creature.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Ease the horrible repetition of your dead-end delivery job by thinking about delicious dairy products.
