Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Horoscope
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Begin your life-long quest for truth this week by fighting against this century's greatest lie: the myth of lactose intolerance.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This is an important time of spiritual growth for you. Banish all symbols from your life except for the Real Dairy seal.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Nothing dresses up that slimming diet meal like a peach slice on a snow-white bed of cottage cheese.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Just as there are four points on the compass and four chambers in the human heart, there are four food groups—and dairy is the only one you can drink.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Be sure to wash down all desserts, from cookies to cake, with an ice-cold glass of milk.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon take an exciting trip around the world and drink the milk of many an exotic creature.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Ease the horrible repetition of your dead-end delivery job by thinking about delicious dairy products.
