Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
