Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

Your Horoscope

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer

January 28, 1998 | Issue 33•03

Aries March 21 - April 19

After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.

Leo July 23 - August 22

You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.

Libra September 23 - October 23

You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It will end in 40 years at the moment of your death.

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Past Horoscopes

September 30, 2008

Issue 44•40

Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.

September 23, 2008

Issue 44•39

Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!

September 16, 2008

Issue 44•38

Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.

September 9, 2008

Issue 44•37

Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.

September 2, 2008

Issue 44•36

Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.

August 26, 2008

Issue 44•35

Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.

August 19, 2008

Issue 44•34

Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.

August 12, 2008

Issue 44•33

Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.

August 5, 2008

Issue 44•32

Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.

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