Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It will end in 40 years at the moment of your death.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.