Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
