Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will reluctantly reach the conclusion that those snobs at Artforum don't know a goddamn thing about death metal.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
An elite squad of international assassins will target you, in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Seeing the look on the cop's face when he found the tiger in your apartment was pretty cool, but it wasn't really worth the horrible lacerations you received.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
George Jones predicted that you will stop loving her today, but he left the exact method for doing so ambiguous.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll finally learn the basics of poetic meter and scansion, but by then, it'll be too late for them to do you any good.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.