Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.
