Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
Libra September 23 - October 23
If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.