Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
