Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Force the neighborhood ice-cream man to move into your spare bedroom and dress in a French maid's outfit. Explain to him that he is now your ice-cream man.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your most romantic dream comes true when hunk Parker Stevenson saves you from certain suffocation by performing a life-saving tracheotomy with his penis.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars declare that your life shall be full of love, wealth and happiness from now on. They are lying.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have a chance to act like a hero if front of all your friends when you see an old lady fall in the street. Point at her and shout, "Burn on you!" at the top of your lungs.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be held personally responsible when the star-sign Virgo changes its traditional moniker from The Virgin to The Drunken Sniffer Of Bicycle Seats.
Libra September 23 - October 23
It is time for you and your mate to move up to the next level of closeness. Instead of your normal sexual lubricant, substitute a water-based, spermicidal form of Superglue.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You decide to come out of the closet this week, but nobody seems to care because you are only a wire hanger.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Detectives will match your stapler to the wounds in all those poor nurses.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It's time to stop lying to yourself. It's no secret that you're naked inside your hamburger-mascot outfit.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will lose a game of poker to Satan by drawing to an inside straight. There is no reason to worry, however, as the two of you are only playing to pass the time on a bus trip.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.