Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
