Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
There's only one place to turn for the kind of quality horoscopes you've come to depend on: Aries—A Sign Of Your Times™.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
When a small Earth sign challenged the industry giants back in 1933, nobody gave them a chance. Today, we’re one of the big 12. Taurus— We're Your Future™.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
We knew about that tall stranger. We told you about the journey over water. And tomorrow? Just wait ’til you see: Gemini—We Know™.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Is it the occulted moon? The music of the spheres? The cosmic resonance? Maybe. Or maybe it’s our 1,400 years of experience. At home and overseas... There's No Magic Like The Magic Of Cancer™.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Strong. Stubborn. An island of strength in times of trouble. We’ll be there, just like we've always been. Leo—The Lion™.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A newborn baby. Kittens. Summer mornings. Mountain streams. Mother's milk. And Virgo. Virgo Purity™.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You could trust the cards, or the tea leaves, or even the I Ching. Or you could just ask Libra and know for sure. Libra—It’s Going To Happen... Guaranteed™.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
In astrology, there are 12 star signs, but only one superstar. If It's Not Scorpio, It’s Just Stargazing™.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Where do top fire signs go for their own clairvoyance? You got it: Sagittarius—The Professional's Choice™.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
In today's world, knowing the future is more important that ever. Who do you trust to predict yours? Capricorn... Of Course™.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're not just a date of birth. You're not just a number. And to us, you’re not just another person. At Aquarius, You're The Stars In Our Sky™.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A young woman encounters trouble in her love life. She should have known. Why didn't she? She wasn't Pisces. It's Pisces, Or It's Fate™.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.