Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
Libra September 23 - October 23
A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.