Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
