Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
Leo July 23 - August 22
After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.