Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
