Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
