Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.