Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your attempt to use pornography to fill the void in your passionless marriage backfires when all the skin mags you buy feature 12-page color spreads of your wife.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your recent mishap with a bottle of vodka, a 50-gallon drum of turpentine, a Zippo, and a busload of orphans will inspire a very special episode of Baywatch.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your search for the ultimate in nudity will finally end this week when you discover a special German-made electric razor which shaves off skin and muscle.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be overcome by lust in the middle of the workday, forcing yourself upon the nearest piece of warm flesh. Fortunately, though, you are a self-employed veterinarian.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be both flattered and threatened by a report in The New York Times linking the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy to your fat ass.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Now that fur is no longer in vogue, you should stop making trophy jackets from the scalps of your enemies.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After years of searching, you will finally achieve your life's goal by tracking down the cunning and elusive Jan-Michael Vincent.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After years of being a contented Buddhist, you will discover a superior spiritual path hidden within the lyrics of Styx's "Come Sail Away."
