Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Relax, Taurus: You know better than to think you can choose your own nickname. There are more tragic things in life than having everyone call you “Mr. Funny No-Arms-Or-Legs Guy.”
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If a major myocardial infarction is the worst thing that happens to you this week, you’ll be lucky.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your happiness over your local sports team’s victory in its homecoming game fades when you realize that it has had no effect whatsoever on your life.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be reminded of the worst day of your life when it reoccurs every single day this December.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will have no trouble finding a sympathetic jury after you stab your roommate 36 times for leaving a dirty spoon on your sofa.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your failure to align spirits with your soulmate and the blocking of open feelings with friends are harming the worldly cosmic balance with which your life must harmonize. In the future, try to avoid messages without any real content.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be reassured of your spouse’s love for you when she manages not to complain about your dank, fetid odor for the 10th consecutive week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will never understand the lives of other Sagittarians until you walk a mile in their comfortable Allen Edmonds shoes. Allen Edmonds— serving stylish star signs since 1945!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will not be issued a new horoscope until you satisfactorily complete those from October.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
When God appears to you in a vision, remember: Hallucinations are not reliable, and God does not exist.
